On Confidence And Peer Pressure

I have struggled with the whole confidence thing for a while, but peer pressure is only more recent, within say, the last few years of being a teen.  As of late though all of this has been rather troublesome to me and I think I have a ways to go before I'm done with this struggle because of who I am.

When I was younger I was talkative and everybody was my friend if they were not mean to me.  When I got to about eight or nine I really felt lonely for the first time.  I was always the kid who didn't dress like everyone else, which honestly I never even paid notice to.  I just dressed in what I liked, I didn't care if it was fitted or not, and if it was "girly" then forget it, I stayed away from that because that's just the way I have always been.  I always liked making new friends and as I got older I noticed it wasn't as easy and some how I always felt different from everyone else.

I was about ten or eleven when I sort of lost confidence and just thought that people didn't like me, even though my mother always told me it was there loss not mine and it was them not me.  She was right but I just didn't realize it till I got older.  I will still never know to this day why other kids were like that to me or anyone else, but now I just don't think about it because it is an unanswerable question.  I would have my moments though when none of that could bother me because I knew who I was and no one was going to change that.

I have always been the one left behind or the one no one pays any attention to, you could even say it's like I don't exist sometimes.  I am invisible and always have been, it seems, and as much as that gets to me sometimes I have learned to not let it even though I have my down fall moments (don't we all?).  I usually don't have many friends, just a few really good ones (no complaints there!) and  have a few just friends or acquaintances.

Now don't get me wrong, I am not complaining about all that stuff, there is no need for that and it would be rather selfish.  I am not different really than anyone else, and yet we are all different.  Everyone struggles with some of this in different ways.  And I think we all have to deal with peer pressure because it is just natural to want to belong, it's who we are.  But the trick is not caring about it and living life to the fullest, because really, why bother caring about other peoples' issues when it has nothing to do with you.  What other people think really has nothing to do with you because it is their problem and they are accountable to God when all is said and done.

People pleasing is a sin that I am guilty of, like many of us.  And if pleasing others makes you do something you know is wrong, or makes you look in the mirror and want to look away, then you know it's wrong in itself.  When I look at who I am I want to feel proud that I am who I am.  And when I say pleasing others is a sin I mean it literally is a sin, because we are supposed to have fear of God not of people.

There have been times that sad to say where I have toned myself down in how I dress and where I got to the point of feeling bad about myself because I am quiet and am not as talkative as I used to be as a child.  But I'm a so done with that.  I am imperfect and I like it that way.  Why am I writing this now?  Because I finally hit rock bottom for the (hopefully) last time of thinking like that.  I go through spurts, some longer than other, and recently I have been struggling a lot fighting with myself because I know better.  So even if I am the one no one pays attention to, at the end of it all I am still me and can put a smile on my face and hold my head up high.  I couldn't do that with out Him.

Listening to: the Beatles - Revolution

Sincerely,
DarkAngelCase